Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
