Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
