I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
