I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My dick has a subreddit
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
