Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
The air taste purple.
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