so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
