I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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