Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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