My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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