I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
