I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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