I didn't shave. On purpose
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
