i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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