dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize