that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
