nut hugger
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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