I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
