I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
