you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
