Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
