to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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