He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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