his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
