She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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