I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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