I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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