i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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