The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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