News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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