Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
