just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
