I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize