i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
