Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I have already put on my inside pants.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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