if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize