i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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