Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
