u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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