so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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