I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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