Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
