when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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