the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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