I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize