can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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