I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
