Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
