I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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