i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
