I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
