I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm like, not good at living.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
