he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
