do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
