someone get that fucking seahorse.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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