I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
