im about as happy as oj after his trial
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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