i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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