Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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