The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
