Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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