I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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