I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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