Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Congratulations! We have a period
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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