he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
