The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
and you fell through a lawn chair
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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