apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
