Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Boobs speak an international language.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
