Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he fucked my hip out of place.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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