i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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