I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
