plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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